WolfieToons by Dave Wolfe

WolfieToons by Dave Wolfe

Saturday, June 4, 2011

A Golden Birthday! (Plus a Pastiche!)

That's  Brandy Golden--  author,  gamer,  feisty cowgirl, and another of my very best-loved friends!  Today is her birthday! 
'Twas she who introduced me to Josh Smith, Reesa Roberts, and all the gang at "Discipline And Desire!"   We had met at the Western-Themed Yahoo Group, Spankville County!   Four years ago when I missed her birthday, I decided to add insult to injury with a Dr. Seuss pastiche and I repeat it here for people whose breakfasts have already settled.
"How D-Wolfe Caught Brandy!"
By Dr. Wolfe

All the Brangels in Bratsville liked Birthdays a lot,
but D-Wolfe, who lived outside of Bratsville, forgot!
Then he looked at his calendar, cried aloud, "D'OH!"
"I've missed Brandy's birthday two years in a row!!"

"Three weeks ago now," thought D-Wolfe, "give or take!
She must have had presents, loud singing, and cake!
I bet that she partied with Tom, Dick, and Fred
who also made sure that her jeans-seat was red!"

And the more D-Wolfe thought of this missed birthday treat,
the more D-Wolfe thought, "This is darned incomplete!
She's a lovely li'l Brangel, so thoughtful and sweet!
I MUST find some way to go love-pat her seat!"

Then D-Wolfe got an idear! An awful idear!
A wonderfully awful, Wolfie Idear!

"There's still some June left!" he thought, gaining hope,
"No need to sit here on my tail and just mope!
I'll ride into Bratsville before it is dawn,
and deliver the spanking that should have been drawn!"

So he gathered his papers and pencils and gear
and chuckled while thinking of Brandy's cute rear!
Out the door for his horse he strode with a will,
still laughing aloud, then he whistled for Bill.

Down the hill he did gallop, his furry face set
for the small town of Bratsville and Brandy to get!
"I wonder," he wondered, because it was hot,
"If Brandy is wearing pajamas or not?"

Then pulling Bill up near a house made of cake,
he thought to himself, "What a big thing to bake!"
He crept to the roof and listened a while,
the cute snoring inside curled his lips with a smile.

Down the chimbley he slid, as practiced Wolves do,
then stuck his head out of the fireplace flue!
'Cross the room he did creep, yellow eyes in the dark
gleaming with glee at his planned Birthday Lark!

The bundle in bed he tapped on the seat,
"Happy Birthday!" he cried and he threw back the sheet.

Then he stared--

No Brandy or Brangel lie there on the bed,
but a big bunch of pillows were piled up instead!

The end of a gun poked his head from behind!
"Paws up!" cried Brandy "And you'd better mind!"
"Why Brandy, my love!" said D Wolfe with a grin,
"I brought you a drawing! I'm glad you were in!"

"Cut the crap!" growled the Brangel, "Wolfie, you creep!
Trying to spank me while I was asleep!"
"What! Never!" said Wolfie, his fuzzy lips pursed,.
"For spanks on your birthday, you'd be awake first!"

"That's it!" shouted Brandy "You horrible Louse,
here's what you get for invading our house!"
Before Wolfe could move, she fired off her gun--
a flash in the dark and then it was done!

His face was all sticky and gooey and pink,
but hold on, dear reader, it's not what you think!
The gun Brandy held was a fine baker's tool
to decorate cakes and D-Wolfe, the fool!

So now Wolfie stood with his face finely iced,
licked his lips and mumbled, "Now, that wasn't nice!
A bad shock like that is not what I need!"
But Brandy was laughing too hard now to heed.

While helpless with laugher, the Brangel was caught
and D-Wolfe told her sternly, "Funny it's not!
My whiskers are sticky, and shaky my hands!
Now you WILL get a spanking, just like I'd planned!"

He then wrestled Brandy down over his lap
and suddenly came on the lights with a snap!
All of Bratsville, or leastways, that's how it seemed,
were now in the room, and "Surprise!" they all screamed.

They all joined Brandy in howling with glee
and D-Wolfe looked down at the girl on his knee.
"We knew you were coming!" she managed to choke,
"And so turned YOUR plan to OUR practical joke!"

D-Wolfe sat and pondered how they could possibly know
of a plan he'd concocted an hour ago!

He puzzled and thought til his puzzler was sore,
then Wolfe thought of someone he hadn't before:

"My horse! It was Bill! I see! What the hell!
That really tears it, I'm taking his cell!"

And what happened then? Well, in Bratsville they claim
that Brandy got spanked by D-Wolfe just the same!

Her birthday was over, but then, so was she,
ready and waiting on D-Wolfie's knee!
And when she'd had all of the spanks she could take,
he-- himself-- D-Wolfe- cut the cake!


  1. Absotively, possilutely the most brilliantest parody I ever read. Bravo whole bunches, Dee Dubya! You have outdone even your brilliant self.


  2. Wow! Thank you very much, Dev! High praise from the master!

  3. I have to agree with Dev, this was fabulous! Such a fun read, thanks for sharing it.


  4. Saw Em's tweet about this, and I have to agree. I've read a lot of Dr. Seuss imitators in my time, but this is really well done. Thanks for the good laugh!


  5. Dr. Seuss has nothing on you Wolfie! thanks for sharing this it was fun to read :)

  6. Wolfy, what a great take on Dr. Seuss, I enjoyed it much more than the original. You are very clever.

  7. You see what a silly girl I am? I read this and I thought I commented and I did not. I blame Dev. (Why? Just 'cos- he likes to be responsible.)
    It is wonderful and you are wonderful and I suspect Brandy is wonderful too.

  8. Thank you, Em, Indy, Jules, Kaki, and Poppy! I'm very happy you got such a kick out of this, and your warm comments made my day! Brandy will be delighted, too!

    I think the next Seuss parody I do will be, "Oh, the Places You'll Glow!"

  9. Excellent Who Doesn't like Seuss, Butt this beats a different drum.

    Just a few ideas for protagonsits should you attempt "Oh the Places You'll Go"

    be your name Poppy or Scarlet or Kaki
    or Mindy,Alice dd, Em.
    You're off to the Corner!
    Today is your day!
    Your spanking is waiting.
    Girly...get on your way!

  10. Wolfie, you are the most amazing guy--cartoonist, witticist, and now Seuss parodist. (I have just made up two words, I am sure). Love what you wrote. Unexpected and clever. Get that cell phone away from Bill, or who knows what might happen next!

  11. hiya wolfie,

    this is brilliantly and magnificently creative and..............we get a wolfie in a hat cartoon to boot. dr seuss would have been green with envy:D:D. bravo my friend. thanks, phil

  12. You are very kind, Cruel, although the Listed Imps might not think so! (And a nice pastiche it is of one of my other favorites! Good job!!)

    If any of those terms were created on the spot, Scarlet, you've merely added to the Lexicon, and nicely done!

    Thanks very much, Phil! (Bows low and his toupee falls off.)

  13. _/\_ to the master.

  14. Thanks, Cruel! Y'know, I never saw that particular emoticon before!

  15. Oh, I see! That's very clever, and culturally enriching!


  16. That is brilliant, DW! And tons of fun to read! Dr. Suess is one of my faves, as is Dr. Wolfe. :-) PLEASE do "Oh the Places You'll Glow. "

    And I love how you Suessified D-Wolfe in his cowboy hat and sock feet, Brandy, and even the cake on it's crooked, precariously balanced serving platter.

  17. Aw, thank you, Larken!

    You probably already know, but some of the youngest Seuss Fans don't, that he was famous as a cartoonist long before he did "The Cat In The Hat" and the other immortal books that followed! For instance, there was a long series of ads for a bug spray that always used the line, "Quick, Henry, the FLIT!"

    Cruelestintention has done a brilliant start on "Oh the Places You'll Glow!" I'll have to give that some serious thought!